Beautifully Unique Sparkleponies by Chris Kluwe

Author:Chris Kluwe [KLUWE, CHRIS]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Humor / Topic - Sports, Humor / Form - Essays, Humor / Topic - Political
ISBN: 9780316236768
Publisher: Little, Brown and Company
Published: 2013-06-24T16:00:00+00:00

Love, Dad

This is a letter to my children, and let me say right off the bat, this title sucks. It makes me sound old. I refuse to be old, and I hope both of you are the same (I’m assuming your mother and I didn’t accidently have another sibling for you two) (if we did, consider yourself included, future baby) (hopefully this isn’t psychologically damaging or anything) (WE LOVE YOU, POTENTIAL FUTURE BABY WHO MAY OR MAY NOT EXIST). Old is boring, and cranky, and vacantly staring at the world while waiting for the grave to swallow you up. You can be a teenager and be old, or you can be old and be old; really, it’s a mind-set.

So, yeah. Don’t get old.

Other helpful advice: Listen to us (your parents), but know when to ignore us (your parents). We’re going to try to keep you safe and protected and free from harm because that’s what parents do. We watched you turn from screaming poop factories into stumbling toddlers into children with personalities all your own, and while you probably won’t remember all the times we tucked you into bed or read you a story or laughed when you did something funny, we do, and it’s tough to let you out into the real world with all its uncaring danger and random happenstance. At some point, you’re going to have to make your own decisions in life, and you’ll have to learn to get up after you fall down, so go fall down a couple times (just try not to do it too hard, if you can help it). Your mother and I will always have your best interests in mind, but you won’t realize what that means until you experience it for yourself with your own kids.

Try to avoid run-on sentences. They can get confusing.

Don’t be afraid to confuse people sometimes. Make ’em work to keep up.

Let’s see, what else? Oh, an important one: Never forget the golden rule. Treat other people the way you want to be treated, and expect the same in return. You don’t need to follow any particular religion or creed to understand this one—it’s pretty easy. Before you do something, ask yourself, Would I be okay if someone was doing this to me? If the answer’s no, you should probably come up with a different course of action. On the flip side, if you see someone breaking the golden rule, say something about it. Bullies and assholes rely on everyone around them being too afraid to call them on their shit, so tell them where they can stick it. Make sure you consider the consequences of your actions, though; sometimes a person will react poorly to being called a self-fellating fuckbeaver.

Appreciate the power of inventive invective, but know when to use it. You can’t just run around all day screaming obscenities (mainly because you’ll lose your voice), but a well-timed swearword can help you make a point quite forcefully, especially when people don’t expect it. It has to be funny, though (and not just to you)! No one likes a lazy swearer.

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